Wow! I feel good!

I am continually shocked at how good I feel when I don't have to speak to anyone

This week has been hard

This week has been so challenging for me in terms of my energy levels. I actually started hearing depressive type thoughts! I have a list of positive thoughts for moments like this. I just repeat them, one after the other, trying to lodge them into my brain so there’s no room for the negative ones.

I also made a huge effort to accommodate myself. I took naps. I gave myself low energy work day accommodations. I used as much breakfast and afterschool club as I could. I skipped my evening dumbbell workout when I didn’t have any physical energy left. I removed the expectation of doing anything other than the most important self care tasks.

There have been some great wins though

• I did some out of hours work that was really successful and meant that I made progress with my paid work, which I’m really happy about (I took time off in lieu of that of course)

• I had a great meet up with a dear friend and learnt that I am choosing to move away from describing my life as small

• I’ve been taking care of myself this weekend with walks in the forest, cycling locally, window shopping in beautiful shops and treating myself to Marks and Spencers Indian and Thai ready meals for one 🤣

• I can feel myself maturing out of anxious attachment in my marriage, which is so meaningful to me. It’s something I developed in childhood and I’m so proud that I’ve both identified it and am making progress to have a more secure attachment style.

But what has really helped me, has been child free days

I love my kid. That is the first thing I have to say 😅

But I need child free days 🤣

I am literally like a different human being when I don’t need to speak to anyone or doing paid or unpaid work of any kind! I feel like myself again! I am happy, I have ample energy, I don’t feel super tired. I feel positive. I am free to look after myself. I don’t need to speak, repeat myself, cajole someone to do their homework, worry about my son’s emotional state or how much iPad time he’s having.

I’ve even found myself trying to avoid my husband who is still at home, that’s how much relief I get from being by myself!

I wonder, is this going to be a constant battle for me?

Am I someone who should just live alone?

I don’t have the answer

I am blessed to have a lovely family and I know that at some point it’s likely that I will get the opportunity to live alone (Semir is considering teaching in Dubai - that’s another story!) so for now, I am going to accept the challenges that I face and try to accommodate myself as best I can.

I am sure that when I do get to live alone, I will feel loneliness at some point, so I know there will still be challenges there waiting for me, there’ll just be different.